Unpacking Resentment

You may have heard the phrase, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Perhaps “die” is a bit extreme, but this quote speaks to the futility of wallowing in this emotion and how it simultaneously harms us and fails to produce the changes we are hoping for. Resentment is a uniquely complex emotion because we often feel it with people we care deeply about, such as family, friends, and colleagues. Unfortunately, when we’re feeling resentful we can default to dysfunctional coping strategies such as sarcasm, complaining, passive-aggressive commentary, or worse. But, none of these bring us into a more positive state of being. There is a better way. 

In Brené Brown’s book Atlas Of The Heart, she writes about the life-changing moment when she learned that resentment is not part of anger but rather part of envy. She explains, “Now, when I start to feel resentful, instead of thinking, What is that person doing wrong? or What should they be doing? I think, What do I need but am afraid to ask for?”  She illustrates this perspective change with the following examples…

“I’m not mad because you’re resting. I’m mad because I’m so bone tired and I want to rest. But, unlike you, I’m going to pretend that I don’t need to.”

“I’m not furious that you’re okay with something that’s really good and imperfect. I’m furious because I want to be okay with something that’s really good and imperfect.”

“Your lack of work is not making me resentful, my lack of rest is making me resentful.”

Through their research, Brown and her team created this definition: “Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, ‘better than,’ and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”

It seems that setting better boundaries and asking for what we need will serve us a whole lot better than sarcasm, complaining, or passive-aggressive behavior. Take a moment to think about who you are harboring resentment toward. What do they have that you want? Is it more time, freedom, money, support, fun, or something else? What are you longing for? Where can you set better boundaries? What are you not asking for? What would it be like to free up the energy you’re putting into resentment and instead use it to manifest the things you want in your life? 

For me, resentment shows up when I feel unsupported, unappreciated, mowed over, or like I’m doing all the work. I can recall a few specific examples where one or more of these conditions persisted to a point of actually destroying a relationship. In hindsight, I can see how my lack of boundaries and failure to ask for what I needed were ultimately what created such an accumulation of negativity. Somehow the discomfort of resentment seemed easier than the discomfort of speaking up. It takes wisdom and courage to assert our needs in a calm, clear, and strong way — without aggression, apology, or ambiguity. I am more equipped than before but I’m definitely still working on this. 

In her other book, The Gifts Of Imperfection, Brené Brown writes, “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice. For our own sake, we need to understand that it’s dangerous to our relationships and our well-being to get mired in shame and blame, or to be full of self-righteous anger. It’s also impossible to practice compassion from a place of resentment. If we are going to practice acceptance and compassion, we need boundaries and accountability.” 

In my previous post, Go Ahead, Ask, I lean into the teachings of coach and author Kemi Nekvapil, who conveys that we must take ownership of our self-worth by asking for what we need and that through this very process we become worthy. Kemi explains that when we miss the opportunity to ask for what we desire, we will likely find ourselves feeling unfulfilled, disappointed, lonely, resentful, angry, or disempowered.

In the unfortunate case when setting clear boundaries and asking for what you need fails to get the results you’re hoping for, pause and inquire. First, ask yourself, Did I communicate clearly and cleanly? If not, try again. If you’re still unsuccessful, ask yourself, Can I accept things as they are and be at peace? If you cannot, then ask, Do I need to reduce or discontinue engagement with this relationship for the sake of my own well-being? Essentially, this final step goes back to boundaries. In most cases, however, you will find that people respond positively and supportively to your requests. I love the chapter in Kemi’s book, The Gift of Asking,  titled “The Mind Readers,” which is one page and one sentence: “They do not exist.” Truly, it is up to us to communicate our needs and this simple yet powerful act can be a lifeline out of resentment. 

In summary, resentment can either weigh us down and erode our relationships or give us valuable information about how we can activate positive change. If we want to cultivate greater joy, balance, and empowerment in our lives, we will have to dial up our bravery and step into the discomfort of setting boundaries and asking. How will you turn resentment into positive action? Let me know!