Go Ahead, Ask

Asking for what we need and desire can feel very uncomfortable, especially for women. We don’t want to inconvenience others, appear ungrateful, or feel like we owe someone. However, not asking can negatively impact the success of our relationships and our careers as well as the expansiveness of our life experiences. When we don’t ask for what we need, our sense of self-advocacy and self-worth deteriorate while a growing sense of disappointment and resentment is fostered. Our reluctance to ask for what we need and desire is often rooted in limiting beliefs, some of which might have been instilled in us as children. Today we will expose those limiting beliefs and begin writing a new empowered narrative around asking.

In her book, The Gift Of Asking: A woman’s guide to owning her wants and needs without guilt, Kemi Nekvapil writes, “No woman is an island. If we want to contribute to others, achieve our dreams, and be fulfilled, we have to allow others to contribute to us.” Her book provides the framework and inspiration for this post. Please pick up a copy of Kemi’s book if you would like to go deeper into this topic. I believe that every woman can benefit from strengthening her “asking muscle,” which is why I chose The Gift Of Asking as one of the five guideposts for the Awaken & Empower group coaching program.

Kemi points out that asking takes courage, vulnerability, and most importantly feeling worthy. She says that we must take ownership of our self-worth by asking for what we need and that through this very process we become worthy. “Worthiness is at the core of so many decisions we make about ourselves and others… It dictates and defines what we feel we deserve in all areas of life…” Whether we want more romance in our relationship, a promotion at work, support from a friend, a trip to France, time to be alone, or a table by the window, we must ask. Other people cannot read our minds (not even those we’ve known for 20+ years). We have to be clear in communicating our wants and needs. Advocating for ourselves is not selfish. On the contrary, it is an act of kindness and self-care and nurtures our relationships. 

Not asking comes at a cost. “It affects our lives in a big way.” When we miss the opportunity to ask for what we need or desire, we will likely find ourselves feeling unfulfilled, disappointed, lonely, resentful, angry, or disempowered. We may get stuck in the mud of “hoping rather than doing.” Not asking can even morph into testing, nagging, and blaming. Kemi’s book goes into greater depth on each of these, but you get the picture. It’s not pretty and it’s definitely not a place where happiness or empowerment reside.

There are many reasons why we fail to ask for what we need. We might worry that we will be perceived as ungrateful, selfish, greedy, or lazy. Or, we may think, Why bother asking? I’ll just be disappointed, or Better not to ask- I don’t want to be indebted to someone. These old, limiting stories are getting in our way of living a fulfilling life. Today we will write a new story! Grab a pen and paper for this next part. 

Unpack your asking history 

• What did you learn about asking as a child? 

• What did you never ask for that you wish you had? What was the cost?

• What was the biggest ask of your life so far? What did you gain from this experience?

Clear the path and see what’s possible

• What limiting beliefs about asking are you ready to let go of? 

• What would be possible if you were willing to ask for what you need and desire? 

Take action

• Create a list of 10 asks (include small, medium, and big asks). 

• Rank them in order of easy to difficult by numbering them from 1-10. 

• Choose two asks (one easy and one more challenging) to implement this week. 

• Tell an accountability partner (or me) what you will be asking for.

At this point, you may be feeling a combination of excitement and discomfort, which is totally normal. Now is a good time to introduce what Kemi calls “the gift of allowing.” She says that when we allow ourselves to receive support from another person, we elevate their humanity and sense of purpose. By allowing ourselves to receive, we validate our own worth as well as the worth of the other person. Consider this from the other perspective; think back to a time when you felt a great sense of purpose, fulfillment, and connection after helping someone out. The gift of allowing creates an opportunity for someone else to have that very experience.

As you move forward with your asking homework, be sure to execute “clean and clear” asking. Avoid asking “with any fuzziness or hidden agendas – no passive-aggressive asking, frustrated asking, angry asking, power-play asking, hinting asking, victim asking, asking as a test, or asking to shame.” Clean asking will increase the likelihood of getting what you want and create space for the other person to give from a place of clarity. 

Often you will be pleasantly surprised by how easy a “yes” comes your way. But of course, there will be times when you get a “no.” Let this be a turning point, not a dead end. Move into a place of curiosity rather than dejection. Explore possibilities with questions such as: 

• What are your concerns about saying yes? 

• Is it a forever no or a no for right now? 

• What would it take for you to say yes? 

• Do you know anyone else who may be able to help me? 

Whatever you are pulled to ask for at this moment in your life, remember that asking is vital to the well-being of a marriage, friendships, sibling relationships, and work relationships. Asking is necessary for actualizing your potential and experiencing an amazing and fulfilling life. When you take a stand for your needs and desires you step into your power and confirm your worth. Let me know what you will ask for this week!