The Building Blocks Of Connection
A feeling of disconnection with the two most important women in my life crept in gradually. Like the old story of the frog placed in tepid water that is slowly heated to a boil, we didn’t notice the need to jump out. Over time, communication with my mom and sister had switched from primarily phone calls to mostly texting. It seemed logical, efficient, and convenient, but when I found myself masking unsettled feelings with smiley-face, rainbow, and heart emojis, I knew we’d reached a tipping point. Either of them would have known how I was feeling just by hearing the tone of my voice. When I am having a hard time, all I have to say is, “Hi” to my mom over the phone and she will reply knowingly, “What’s wrong?” I realized that by forgoing phone calls for texting, our communication had gotten thin and our connection noticeably weaker.
This realization launched me on a quest to answer the question, What are the building blocks of connection? At a time when loneliness is at an all-time high, affecting “about one-in-two adults” according to Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy, this feels like an important inquiry. My research led me to three essential elements that cumulatively, via thousands of small moments, strengthen and fortify our relationships: how we communicate, what we share, and how we listen. These building blocks help us combat loneliness and nurture our universal human need for connection.
How We Communicate
Texting is no longer only used for coordinating a carpool or letting someone know we’re running five minutes late– it has become common practice to cancel plans with friends or sort out conflicts with family members over text. This is an insufficient means of communication for complex situations such as these. As a result, we hide our disappointment, fake enthusiasm, and pretend we’re fine when we’re not. In live conversations, the nuances of tone and cadence reveal underlying feelings, which give us the information we need to respond with care. The subtleties of authentic communication cannot be duplicated through text, no matter how many emojis we use.
With this understanding, I promised my mom and sister that I would call more and text less and asked them to do the same. They agreed. Within less than a week, I already felt closer to them. Recently, I called my sister about something trivial which I could have easily texted, but while we were chatting I shared a worry that was on my mind, and in response, she offered wisdom and encouragement. Her words gave me comfort and I left the conversation feeling lighter and optimistic. If I’d sent the original message over text, I would have kept my worries to myself and never had the chance to receive her support. As texting becomes the norm and phone calls are increasingly rare, we’re missing out on the sometimes brief but important conversations that take place in a synchronous moment of communication.
Of course, in-person communication provides the greatest opportunity for depth of connection. When we’re physically present with another person, we see their facial expressions, body language, whether they look tired, and if they’re dressed drabby or cheerfully. We gain access to a valuable treasure trove of wordless communication, such as smiles, handshakes, high-fives, hugs, and kisses. Sure, it takes more time and effort to call or meet in person than a quick text or social media post, but it is necessary if we are to collectively quench our thirst for human connection and stay out of the dark ditch of loneliness.
What We Share
Being open and sharing vulnerably builds trust and strengthens connection. According to Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” In her book Daring Greatly, Brown writes, “When it comes to vulnerability, connectivity means sharing our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them– people with whom we’ve cultivated relationships that can bear the weight of our story. Is there trust? Is there mutual empathy? Is there reciprocal sharing?”
Brown emphasizes that oversharing with people whom we haven’t yet established trust can give us the opposite of what we’re looking for. “People recoil and shut down,” which leaves us feeling regretful and ashamed for overexposing ourselves. “Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.”
Still, sharing vulnerably, even with those we trust, isn’t always easy. There are several reasons why we hold back. Sometimes we don’t want to burden others with our troubles, or we think they can’t relate, or we don’t want to appear weak. But probably the most universal reason we withhold sharing our worries, joys, hurts, hopes, struggles and imperfections is fear that we will be judged and rejected. We are often judging ourselves about the things we keep hidden. Withholding feels safe, but it creates an impenetrable barrier, limiting how close others can feel to us and us to them.
Finding the courage to show up authentically, with all of our messiness, is essential for meaningful connection. According to Marisa G. Franco, author of Platonic, “While we often think of vulnerability as burdening our friendships, it can instead ignite or deepen them. That’s because, as much of the research suggests, we’re often cherished rather than devalued for our vulnerability.” Brené adds, “To foreclose on our emotional life out of fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.”
By sharing our stories with trusted friends, we find common humanity in our very human struggles and imperfections. We also lighten the burden within ourselves when we allow others to bear witness to and help us carry our hardships. “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you” (Maya Angelou).
How We Listen
Equally important to sharing openly, is knowing when to be quiet and listen. Unfortunately, most of us are not good listeners. We interrupt, zone out, succumb to distraction, or formulate a reply as the other person is talking. Despite good intentions, when we try to cheer people up or fix their problems, we actually invalidate their feelings and rob them of the opportunity to find their own way. It’s difficult to see someone we care about feeling sad, disappointed, or dejected and it takes a conscious effort to simply listen. It may feel counterintuitive, but when we assume the role of listener instead of fixer, we can be better friends, partners, and parents. This means replacing judgment with curiosity, fixing with faith, and minimizing with empathy (so much easier said than done).
For example, one evening my daughter was in the dumps because one of her friends said she couldn’t attend her birthday party. My husband and I tried to cheer her up by highlighting all the good things happening for her birthday (minimizing and fixing), but it clearly wasn’t working. Finally, I put my hand on hers, looked her in the eyes, and said, “That’s a bummer she can’t come.” Visibly relieved, she said, “Thank you.” Once her feelings were acknowledged and validated (empathy), she was able to find her way forward. Empathy statements are a brief, heartfelt acknowledgment of another person’s experience followed by silence (holding the silence is the toughest part).
Being a good listener means giving our full presence and attention and noticing the other person’s words, tone, and underlying emotions. Life In Five Senses author Gretchen Rubin explores the skill of listening. Rubin shares that learning to be a better listener made her “more loving, more understanding, and more helpful,” thereby strengthening her connection with her children and husband. She offers the following suggestions in her Manifesto For Listening:
Show that you’re giving your attention: Put down your phone, close your computer, and turn to face the other person. Don’t multitask.
Don’t interrupt and don’t rush to fill silences. (so challenging!)
Ask open-ended questions and avoid leading or rhetorical questions.
Paraphrase or summarize to show you understand.
Don’t jump in with judgment or suggestions.
Listen for what’s not being said.
Don’t avoid painful subjects.
Don’t try to fix things.
Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings. (empathy)
Let people talk themselves into their solution rather than supply your solution.
When in doubt, stop talking. (“silent” and “listen” contain the same letters)
Like any new skill, becoming a better listener can be challenging and awkward at first, but I encourage you to try, one conversation at a time. Being heard and seen is one of the greatest gifts we can give or receive. This precious gift doesn’t require any money or fancy wrapping– it is at our disposal at any and every moment.
In summary, being intentional about how we communicate, share, and listen fortifies and deepens our relationships. There are no substitutes for live, authentic, fully present human interaction. The building blocks of connection are thousands of small moments that nourish our most cherished soul-satisfying relationships. Reaching out takes effort, sharing takes courage, and listening takes self-control– collectively, this is how we satiate our intrinsic hunger for connection. It is the antidote to loneliness.