A Habit Of Self-Care
I’ll never forget the moment I truly realized what it meant to put someone else's needs before my own. It was the morning of July 23, 2004, and I had just given birth to my oldest daughter. After 23 hours of labor and a magical morning of bonding, it was time for a hot shower. Just as I was getting out of bed, the nurse came in and asked me where I was going. I told her matter-of-factly, but she replied, “No– first, you must nurse the baby, and then you can take a shower.” That was the first of many lessons in putting my needs second to those of my children. I quickly realized that I would have to be strategic in creating habits around self-care. My girls are now 18 and 13 years old and I still lean on habit strategies to care for my physical and mental well-being.
It’s understandable why so many women, especially moms, put self-care on the back burner. We are often being pulled in multiple directions by work, to-do lists, and people who depend on us. Thus, we can feel guilty about “indulging” in self-care. But, when we take care of everyone and everything else at the cost of our well-being, we end up feeling resentful, overworked, impatient with others, and out of balance. In contrast, when we prioritize taking care of ourselves we are more patient, understanding, and energized and we feel more generous toward others. We are also happier overall, and according to emotional contagion, the spontaneous spread of emotions in social settings, this means everyone around us will also feel happier. In other words, self-care is not selfish; when we take care of ourselves, we take care of those around us.
When self-care is sufficiently woven into our lives, we feel at ease, in balance, and generally positive toward ourselves and the world around us. How each of us achieves this state of inner wellness will vary greatly. Just because your friend loves to meditate for an hour at 5 AM every morning, does not mean it’s right for you. Likewise, running six miles each day may not be your thing. A client of mine thought self-care meant she had to take bubble baths (which she hates) and realized that her version of self-care was going for a walk in the woods. We have to take a personalized approach to what we do and how we do it– maybe a 90-min yoga class is not realistic for you, but you can integrate a 10-min morning yoga practice. Self-care can be cultivated in any variety of ways, including time for stillness, exercise, creativity, being alone, being with friends, better sleep, healthy eating, spiritual practice, being in nature, meditation, gardening, reading, etc. The list could go on forever. Consider, without judgment, what would feel nurturing to you. Jot down three ways you would like to practice better self-care and then choose one to start with.
Now that you have clarity about what self-care means to you, I will share a few habit strategies that have worked well for me and stood the test of time. First, identify specific days and times that you will block out for yourself and how you plan to use that time. From here onward, automate this step by setting weekly alarms and repeating events in your calendar. Next, communicate with your family that you will not be available during these times, and if you have younger children, coordinate with your partner to cover for you (if you’re feeling hesitant, this would be a good time to read my last post Go Ahead, Ask). Be sure to put yourself in an environment that is free from distractions and house chores (a quiet room, the gym, outside, etc). Finally, hold this time sacred and protect it fiercely with strong boundaries. Do not allow others to take it from you and do not willingly give it away.
One of my personal self-care essentials is early morning yoga with meditation. I created this ritual about a year ago by applying habit strategies; I set my alarm twenty minutes earlier, placed a yoga mat in my husband’s office, and told the family about my plan. Since then, I start each weekday morning with fifteen minutes of yoga followed by a fifteen-minute meditation, which feels amazing! To my delight, everyone in the family has stepped up a little to keep the morning necessities on track.
Before you get started, I’d like to arm you with a couple of troubleshooting tips. First, if someone asks you to do something during your self-care time, say, “I’m sorry, but I have another commitment at that time.” Avoid justifying or explaining your “no” by oversharing; nobody needs to know what you’re doing. Unapologetically honor your commitment to yourself and others will respect it. Second, if your self-care plan does not play out perfectly according to your vision, resist the urge to give up or become critical. Instead, get curious about how you can make modifications. Maybe you need to change the activity, the day, the environment, or the time. Perhaps there are obstacles you didn’t anticipate. How can you revise your plan to work better next week?
No matter how you go about it, taking care of your physical and mental well-being is essential to your happiness and the health of your relationships. Remember, this is meant to make you feel good, so approach it from a “get to” perspective rather than “have to” and you will easily choose the right path. Self-care is uniquely defined by each individual and how we define it will change as we pass through different stages of life, so be open to modifications along the way. Send me a note! I’d love to hear how you will be making a habit of self-care.
To learn more about habit strategies, check out the book Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear.