Truly Unconditional

It’s the new year, a time when we rethink our old ways and consider making some important changes. Often our mind goes toward eating better and exercising, both of which are wonderful goals, but this year I’m challenging you to go deeper. What about setting a goal around love? How about making this year the one in which you learn to give unconditional love to yourself and others? I know it sounds like a mighty and intangible goal, so I’m giving you two tips to get you started!

Many of us have had glimpses of unconditional love, but few of us consciously practice it. Unconditional love is by definition without conditions, which means it does not need to be earned. It is purely and simply appreciating the beautiful essence of a being, even in the face of failures, imperfections, and shortcomings. This is not easy.

Let’s be real, most of us do put conditions on the love and affection we show our family and ourselves. We give affection to our partners and children when they do the things we want them to do. We feel kind and gracious toward ourselves when we succeed and achieve. However, what happens when someone comes up short, makes a mistake, or fails? We often withhold affection for that person, or if it’s our own failure, we beat ourselves up (sometimes for a very long time). It’s normal and healthy to feel elated in the face of success and disappointed by failures. However, we tend to overlook celebrating the small things and we tend to dwell in disappointment.

Tip #1: Practice random acts of affection.

Our brain has a natural bias toward negativity, rooted in survival, but this does not serve us in relationships. Because of this bias, we must actively strive for a 3:1 positive to negative interaction in our relationships in order to create a net-positive effect. When you look at your interactions with your partner or teen, what do you estimate your ratio of positive to negative is? Don’t feel bad– we all have room to improve! Love and affection are infinite resources and when we give them, we spread happiness to others and ourselves. By making a conscious effort, we can achieve a better ratio quite simply with random acts of affection. This could be an unexpected hug or kiss, a genuine compliment, a spontaneous gift or favor, or expressing words of appreciation.

Tip #2: Envision the child.

Imagine a child learning to walk and falling repeatedly. We don’t punish or scold them for falling down. Rather, we encourage them to get up and try again. The fact is we need MORE love and compassion in the face of failure, not less. To access this type of compassionate love for yourself or another, try using a technique taught by Shirzad Chamine, founder of Positive Intelligence: Look at a photo of yourself or the other person between age 2-11 years old (if you don’t have one, use your imagination) and envision the little child hidden underneath those mistakes and know that we are all learning in life just as a child learns. Place childhood photos of yourself, your teenager, or anyone who you’d like to access more unconditional love for, around your house and on your phone home screen. Feel the compassion that this being needs and deserves. Notice how this breaks down the walls of negativity and creates a more open and positive mindset.

This year, make a goal to improve your happiness by practicing unconditional love. Focus on what matters most; honoring the unique, beautiful being within each of us. We all deserve unconditional love, that which does not have to be earned. We all deserve compassion in the face of failure.