The Ugly Inner Judge

Two years ago, I knew with certainty that I was an excellent mom. My kids were doing well in school, excelling in extracurricular activities, making friends, and I had a great relationship with each of my daughters. My husband and I took our girls camping, skiing, and traveling. I always managed to schedule my work hours while they were at school so I could be there to pick them up when the bell rang, take them places, and drive for an occasional field trip. As for those other moms, whose children were struggling? I thought, They clearly aren’t doing this “mom thing” as well as me.

However, when my own daughter began struggling with depression, anxiety, and destructive behaviors, the harsh voice of my sneaky inner judge turned on me and said, YOU don’t know what you’re doing. YOU are not a good mom. It knocked the wind right out of me– I was literally gasping for air and flooded with self-doubt. Instead of the judge patting me on the back, it was beating me down. It berated me further for having judged others so wrongly. This dark inner character had me pinned to the floor and the only way out was to look it in the eye and see through the lies. That’s when the truth revealed itself; I am neither a bad mom nor a perfect mom. I am a loving mom, doing the best I can with the tools I have (just like all those other moms).

After two years of intensive personal growth driven by an insatiable thirst for greater understanding, I have acquired a lot more tools. I am more aware of my inner judge and have started to recognize and intercept the lies it tells me.

Still, the judge sneaks up on me regularly– especially when I challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone and try something new. It tells me that I don’t know enough, I’m not experienced enough, I’m not expert enough, etc. It tells me that it would be safer and easier to just stick with what is familiar and maintain status quo. At times I can identify the lie on my own, and other times I need to ask my husband or my mom. These days, the judge still lurks in the wings, but it’s no longer my puppeteer. I have not conquered it (I think that will take years), but I can see more clearly now than ever before.