Supermom Fatigue

It’s so easy for us mamas to get swept up in the whirlwind of to-do lists and caring for the ever-fluctuating emotional needs of our families. Your inner supermom is doing her job well, sometimes too well, which can leave you feeling like you are perpetually running on empty. What’s more, all of your exhaustive efforts may not be giving you the results you hoped for. There is a better way. 

I’m going to take a leap into the precarious land of assumptions and guess that you want your kids to be capable, competent, resilient humans who trust in their own ability to navigate life’s challenges and who contribute to the world beyond themselves. I’ll also assume that you wish to have a strong connection with your kids so that they know they can survive life’s inevitable challenges and setbacks and still be loved. Finally, I’m going to assume that despite your best supermom efforts, you’re not getting the results you desire and it’s leaving you rather drained. I’ve experienced this personally and I hear similar stories from my clients.

Let’s start by talking about your never ending to-do list that you hold yourself, and everyone in your family, accountable to. Do you have subcategories for each family member? When you greet your kids or spouse do you greet them with a list of questions about getting XYZ done? Questions such as, did your daughter/son follow-up with their teacher, study for that test, eat lunch, do their chores? Did your husband contact the landscapers, order water filters for the fridge, follow up with his doctor? While all of these things are important, none are more important than taking a moment to connect.

My 16 year-old daughter told me, “Even when we’re having a sweet moment together, you ask me about school or tell me what I need to do.” I thought I was helping her- reminding her to follow up with a teacher, put a dent in that big history project, or do her laundry before she ran out of underwear. But, what was I really teaching her? I was teaching her to avoid me and my endless lists of to-dos, to depend on me to keep track of her work, and to continue to procrastinate because it’s only natural for a teen to push back against their parent’s advice. Resentment and frustration were building on both sides and it was getting in the way of connecting with my daughter. So, I chose to stop.

It was not easy to break this habit, in fact it took an incredible amount of self control (and of course I slip up at times). However, she started taking ownership of her own responsibilities. Yes, she waits until she’s out of underwear, but her laundry eventually gets washed. Yes, her clean laundry lives in the basket for weeks, but why should I care if she’s wearing wrinkled clothes? And yes, she will likely end up cramming for that big history project, but how else will she learn to pace herself? Dr. Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott, authors of Positive Discipline- For Teenagers, remind us, “Shared wisdom is no substitute for life experience.”

So, I’ll say it again, Slow down mama, your onslaught of questions is stressing everyone out, including you! Your inner supermom is creating urgency where it doesn’t exist, making it impossible for you to be present and therefore impossible for you to truly connect. Psychologist Abraham Maslow identifies connection as one of our most fundamental human needs. In Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs, a sense of connection is our third essential need after food/water/shelter and safety/security. Therefore, feeling connected is equally important for you as it is for each person in your family. Connection isn’t a want- it’s a need.

Try greeting your family members by asking a very simple open ended question; “How’s your day so far?” or, “How was your day?” and listen with genuine curiosity. Try it for a week and see what happens.

Now, let’s look at caring for the ever-changing emotional needs of your family (especially these days). Your inner supermom is a master problem solver and she loves to step in with explanations and lessons. Have you ever outlined all of the reasons why something didn’t work out the way your daughter/son hoped or asked her/him, “What did you learn from this?” We’re trying to be helpful – to give them a shortcut to the lesson so they can do better next time, but how does this feel to your 12-year old who just failed a test or to the teen who’s plans just fell through? It feels like disconnection, like being kicked when they are down. It also blocks their ability to be introspective and truly learn from the experience because they are more focused on defending themselves.

Most often, what they really need is to simply be heard and validated. So, no matter how obvious the answer is, I’m asking you to take off your problem solving hat and put on your empathy hat. Brené Brown describes empathy as, “Taking the perspective of the other person, and understanding that person’s perspective is their reality at that moment. Not judging. Recognizing what the other person is feeling.” Try saying something like, “That must be disappointing,” or “Wow, that sounds really frustrating.” Then BE SILENT. Once you show empathy by simply acknowledging where they’re at in that moment (even if it is totally unreasonable), they no longer have to prove their position. When their defenses are down, they gain access to their inner wisdom and creative problem solving (right brain activities). You’ll be surprised how well this works and it is so much easier than having all of the answers. 

Just a few weeks ago I was driving my daughter home after her half-baked plans fell through. I started diving into all of the reasons why this plan didn’t work out and how to do it better next time. I could feel the wall going up and her frustration growing. I stopped myself, channelled empathy, and said, “That’s really disappointing. I’m sorry your plans fell through.” Just like that she softened, the tension began to dissipate, and she opened up. Acknowledging and validating her feelings allowed her to move through the difficult emotions AND nurtured our connection.

The truth is, mama, you are the glue in this family and if you are barely holding on, that doesn’t serve anyone. You are doing great, but you might be working too hard. Have a little meeting with your inner supermom and agree to try these two strategies; put connection in front of to-do lists and put empathy in front of problem solving. I think you’ll find that you get better results and it takes a lot less energy. These strategies are simple, but that doesn’t mean they’re easy. Expect that you’ll nail it sometimes and totally blow it other times – that’s ok! When this happens, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, reimagine the scene the way you would like to have handled it. This reimagining technique, as shown by the ground-breaking work of Positive Intelligence, actually trains your neuropathways to do better next time. Let me know how it goes!