Parent Like A Coach
When I dove into the world of professional coaching, I had no idea how much my coaching skills would crossover into parenting. The more I integrated these skills at home, the more I realized that I had been parenting with one hand tied behind my back. These skills have fundamentally changed the way I parent, creating much more ease and strengthening my relationship with my two teen daughters. I believe that all parents, especially parents of teens, should have these tools.
(Psst- This post has a bonus section with personal stories illustrating each of the skills.)
As parents, we work hard with genuinely good intentions, but don’t always get the results we want. The truth is, our energy is often misdirected. Instead of having all the answers, passing down every lesson we’ve learned, and always making our kids feel better, we need to guide them to find their own answers, let them learn through experience, and allow them to feel difficult emotions. When we shift our role toward parenting like a coach, we help them grow with confidence in their own capacity.
Take a moment to look back on your own childhood. Can you remember thinking, “They just don’t get me!” about one or both of your parents? Perhaps they didn’t listen, didn’t understand, or invalidated your feelings. Or maybe they judged you for not being more like them. Conversely, can you think of an adult in your childhood who always accepted you for just being you? Do you remember a moment when you felt truly heard? Have you known what it’s like for someone to believe in you?
More than anything, what our kids need from us is a sense of validation, belonging, and acceptance. They don’t need us to control, fix, or minimize their problems. They need us to meet them with curiosity, not solutions, and to help them tap into their own inner wisdom.
Below are five coaching skills that are necessary for every parent, but absolutely essential for parents of teens. As our children enter a new phase of maturity in their teen years, we must also enter a new phase of parenting. When we don’t evolve our parenting to match their evolution, it impairs their growth and erodes our relationship with them. Altogether, these five coaching skills build connection and trust, strengthen the relationship, and cultivate self-reliance. My daughters are now 18 and 13 years old, and I can’t imagine parenting without my coaching skills– they have brought us closer together while encouraging my daughters’ independence.
THE GIFT OF BEING HEARD, SEEN, FELT
Every one of us wants to be heard, seen, and felt. It provides us with a sense of belonging and validation just as we are. It helps us see ourselves as whole, not broken. As a coach, this is a big part of what I provide for my clients and as a mom, it is even more important. Practice the three skills below.
LISTENING: Talk less, listen more. When you’re “listening” to your kids, are you thinking about how you’re going to reply, or your to-do list, or are you really listening? When we listen with our full presence and attention, we notice the other person’s words, tone, and underlying emotions. Next time your kid talks to you, focus on simply listening. Do your best to avoid formulating a response, multitasking, and interrupting. Quite often, all they want is to vent and be heard. Listening is the foundational skill from which you will get the information you need to decide which of the other four skills to use next.
EMPATHY: Validate instead of fixing or minimizing. Empathy statements are simple, heartfelt, and brief; “That sounds really frustrating” followed by silence (holding the silence can be the hardest part). Notice the difference between that and this: “Here’s what you need to do…” or “Here’s what I’m going to do…” or “At least…”. Try not to solve or diminish things to make yourself more comfortable. Whatever your kid is feeling, is their reality at that moment. Giving them space to feel shows them that they are strong enough to survive difficult emotions and you are strong enough to stand by them at that moment. They actually recover quicker when we simply validate their feelings.
ATTUNEMENT: Dr. Dan Siegel says, "When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives, we need attunement to feel close and connected.”
Attunement is a little more nuanced than the other skills and can be practiced in two ways, by either mirroring or balancing your kid’s energy. It’s simpler than it sounds. Mirror both positive and negative emotions (excitement, joy, sadness, disappointment) by matching their tone and body language. If they’re jumping with excitement, jump with them! However, if your child’s energy is anxious and chaotic, bring some Yin to their Yang– take a deep breath, speak calmly, and help them slow down and feel more grounded.
EMPOWER & GROW THE OTHER PERSON
As a coach, one of my primary objectives is to empower and grow my clients– to support them in finding their truth and living their best life. I trust that even if their choices don’t work out exactly as planned, the experience will provide valuable learning, personal growth, and further guidance. As a parent of teens, I find this to be equally true. I want to empower and grow my children into capable, confident young adults. My best life is different from their best life and my shared wisdom can never substitute for personal experience. Practice the two skills below.
CURIOSITY: Ask rather than tell. Genuine curiosity is about looking deeper and being open to whatever reveals itself. Avoid rhetorical questions or mining for information. Instead, ask powerful questions like, “What’s important for you in this situation? What are the possibilities here? What might you say to a friend in a similar situation? If there were an opportunity here, what might that be?” Powerful questions typically start with “what” or “how” and evoke thought, clarity, or insight. This gets your kids to think for themselves and find their own answers. You may be surprised by how wise and capable they are.
SELF-MANAGEMENT: Manage your own judgments, opinions, and urge to help your kids avoid every wrong turn. Grant them a sense of autonomy to own their decisions and to learn from them. It’s so tempting to micromanage and insert ourselves with our wisdom, but often the consequences of them making mistakes are trivial and they learn so much more from experience than us telling them what will or won’t work. For higher consequence decisions, you may encourage them to envision a few different scenarios and even provide your honest feedback, but be sure to maintain a core intention of collaboration. Our kids are not mini versions of us– they are unique individuals with their own dreams, strengths, methods, temperaments, and unique life path.
I will be honest with you– I used to “listen” while formulating a reply, turn disappointments into a “Here’s how you can do it better next time” chat, miss moments for attunement, ask questions that had a “right and wrong” answer, and habitually insert my opinions. I thought I was being helpful, but in hindsight, I was actually micromanaging and damaging the relationship. Now, I do my best to parent like a coach (most of the time– I’m still a work-in-progress!). And now it’s your turn– try using one or more of these five skills with your own kids. The more you parent like a coach, the more you will find parenting becomes less effortful and more positive.
BONUS: REAL-LIFE EXAMPLES
Below are a series of brief personal stories illustrating how I’ve applied the five coaching skills in real-life parenting situations. Enjoy!
Years ago, when my older daughter practiced violin, I would point out which notes sounded off (I’m embarrassed to admit this). As you might expect, her practices became a huge point of contention between us and sadly, though perhaps predictably, she no longer plays. Now, when my younger daughter practices banjo, I celebrate the fact that she has practiced and leave it to her teacher to correct her. I used to be focused on the music being perfect. Now I self-manage, and focus on the music being present.
Last year, on the way to school one day, my younger daughter was telling me about how frustrated she was that she couldn’t find the right socks. I replied cheerfully, “I think the ones you’re wearing are super cute.” She got even more upset and told me, “That’s not what I wanted you to say!” I asked her what I should have said. She replied, “I just wanted you to say, I get it.” I hadn’t even realized that I was invalidating and minimizing her feelings. Nothing compares to getting a lesson on empathy from your 12-year-old. I used to try to make my kids feel better. Now I try to validate their feelings.
Another time, when I picked her up at the middle school, I could tell she was upset about something. She said she had some trouble with friends that day, but she didn’t want to talk about it. She said, “There’s something I want to say, but I shouldn’t.” I encouraged her to let it out. To my surprise, she yelled, “Bitches!” Then she looked at me, unsure how I’d respond, and to her surprise I echoed her explicative with just as much enthusiasm. We both yelled “Bitches!” a few more times and then collapsed in laughter. I used to rely on the tools of rationality and reason, which created tension between us. Now I use the tool of attunement, which brings us closer.
About three months ago, my older daughter called me in tears after having a difficult week. I listened, expressed empathy and then asked her, “What does self-care look like for you right now?” She came up with three great ideas and because they were her ideas she was committed to following through. I used to dole out advice, telling her how to work through challenges. Now, I practice self-management and curiosity, using powerful questions to help her to find her own answers.
Recently, on the brink of her 18th birthday, my older daughter told me with conviction that she was planning to get a tattoo. I could tell that her mind was set, so I forced myself to set aside my judgments and opinions. Instead of trying to control the situation, I asked about the artist (curiosity) and assumed a position of support (self-management). In the past I would have tried to convince her to wait a year or two, hoping she’d forget about it by then. Now I try to nurture the relationship and have faith in my daughter.
Last week, I was at the beach with my younger daughter and her friend when they announced that they were going to tandem surf on her longboard. I knew the board was too small for the two of them and it wouldn’t work, but I resisted the urge to insert myself, gave them a nod of encouragement, and allowed them the space to give it a go. They had so much fun trying and I had so much fun watching. In the past, I would have shared my “wisdom” to save them the trouble. Now, I do my best to say less (self-management) and let them learn through experience.