It's Not That Bad
With my 45th birthday fast approaching and having recently been notified of yet another incidence of cancer in my family, I booked a mammogram screening. When they asked me to come back for a second screening, I was a little unsettled but thought, This is probably just standard precaution protocol. Happens all the time, right? I didn’t tell my mom or husband– no point worrying them unnecessarily. But then the doctor wanted me to come back for a biopsy. Ugh, I had to tell my family.
After a week of waiting (which felt like two weeks), I finally got a call from my doctor. She informed me that I’d tested positive for a cancer called DCIS. The good news was that it had not spread beyond the duct (non-invasive), measured only 1cm, and it was considered “stage zero.” The doctor assured me on our call that even though cancer is a scary word, “this is the best possible scenario.” That became my go-to, touch of humor, motto. I’d tell my friends, “It’s the best-case scenario… if you have to get cancer.”
My team of doctors put a plan into place and I figured the whole thing would be wrapped up in time to celebrate my birthday at the end of the month. Throughout the preparatory procedures (lots and lots of shots in my boob) and surgery, I maintained a lighthearted perspective. It’s not that bad. This is just an inconvenience. I’ve been through harder things. It’s true, I have been through harder things. But the recovery didn’t go as planned. After three weeks the swelling had not subsided so I went in for a follow-up appointment with my doctor. It turns out I had bled a lot after surgery and all that blood had stagnated in my breast.
More doctor visits. More shots. I’ll spare you the gory details. My anticipated one-week recovery turned into a two-month recovery. Not being able to swim (my primary form of exercise) made it even harder. Still, I kept saying to myself… It’s not that bad. Other people have it much worse. I’m so lucky I caught it early. I’m going to be totally fine. However, despite my feigned upbeat attitude, I plummeted into an emotional black hole. I found myself walking a tightrope of composure, frequently falling over the edge into tears (sometimes multiple times a day). I said to my mom, This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be feeling so down. It’s not that bad. She said, “Julia, you taught me about self-compassion. I think that’s what you need right now. What you’re going through is hard.”
She was right. Guided by my mom’s wisdom and what I’d learned from Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, I placed my hand on my heart (kind touch) and said this self-compassion mantra:
This is a difficult moment
Everyone struggles sometimes
May I give myself the kindness and compassion that I need right now
With that, I felt a loosening, an opening, and a release. Allowing myself to feel without judgment, rather than bottling, didn’t make the emotions bigger or overwhelming. It gave them air to breathe and space to move. The only way out is through– I had to stop shutting down my feelings, start welcoming them with compassion, and allow them to move through me.
Can you think of a time when you have downplayed or discounted your own difficult emotions? Was your internal dialogue something like this… My life is quite good- I shouldn’t complain. Other people have it much worse.
As women, we are experts at showing others compassion, but when it comes to ourselves we are stingy with kindness and disproportionately critical. When a friend is hurting, we offer love and nurturing, but to ourselves we say, C’mon, get it together!
Self-compassion teaches us to treat ourselves with the same kindness we’d show a close friend. Rather than minimizing, bottling, or denying our pain, we’re compassionate to ourselves because we're in pain. This allows the feelings to be felt and moved through, rather than being stuck. According to Neff, there are three elements of self-compassion (notice how each element comes alive in the mantra above).
Mindfulness- Non-judgmental acknowledgment and validation of difficult emotions.
Common Humanity- Recognition of our own humanity and that suffering is a universal part of the human experience.
Kindness- A warm, friendly, understanding, and supportive attitude toward ourselves as we wade through the mud of life.
Learning about self-compassion and adopting a mantra to implement it has been a great gift for me. It’s hard to believe I’ve lived 45 years and am just now learning about self-compassion. It’s even harder to believe that most people never learn about this. Self-compassion is simple but not easy and while it’s not a cure-all, it is a valuable tool that we (especially women) should all have in our toolbelts. With that, I am passing this gift on to you. Use it well and use it often.
Send me a note: What did this post bring up for you? How might you implement self-compassion today?