Our Primal Need For Belonging

Last night my 7th-grade daughter asked me to cut off all her hair. This is after two years of painstakingly growing out a pixie cut. She said, “I’m tired of trying to fit in and trying to do all the things that I think will make me cool because it never works.” She said that cutting her hair super short would prove that she doesn’t care anymore. I could relate– 7th grade was one of my toughest years as an adolescent. It is a time when impenetrable cliques form and kids become mean. I knew this wasn’t a hair issue- it went a lot deeper and more internal than that. According to legendary psychologist Abraham Maslow, belonging is our third most important human need after #1 food/water/shelter and #2 safety. So, feeling a compromised sense of belonging can actually feel like a threat to our survival (and in primitive times it was). 

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown defines belonging as “the innate human need to be part of something larger than us.” She says, “because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it.” Many of us see fitting in and belonging as one and the same, but according to Brown, they are very different. “Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” She asked a group of 8th graders to describe the difference between fitting in and belonging and one student summed it up exquisitely, “I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.”  

While we can’t ensure that our children always feel a sense of belonging at school, on teams, or at camps, we can give them a sense of belonging where it matters most—at home. According to Brown, “If we want to cultivate worthiness in our children, we need to make sure they know that they belong and that their belonging is unconditional.” My older daughter is beautifully unique and her energy resonates at a different frequency than the rest of our immediate family. We have a high capacity for adventure, socializing, and activity, whereas she needs more downtime to retreat and recharge. Our innate differences have been a source of conflict at times, but as we’ve both grown, we have found a rhythm that works. Now we practice understanding, acceptance, and respect for our differences with an equal focus on love and connection. Her belonging is unconditional; she gets to be who she is. This feels so much better for all of us.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance” (Brené Brown). In other words, we have to be brave enough to bear our true selves if we are to discover a genuine sense of belonging and fulfill this primal need that we all share. Middle school may be a distant memory for you, but even as adults we can still fall into the traps of trying to fit in.

A friend of mine was recently quarantined with Covid on a tropical island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. What was intended to be a wonderful vacation to celebrate the closure of a difficult year, became a short-term jail sentence and a foiled attempt to return home. He wrote a heartfelt email to a handful of close friends (which he graciously gave me permission to share) saying, “The time I have spent in strict quarantine, by myself and in a foreign country has allowed me to make several realizations about myself and what has prevented me from experiencing the joy and happiness I wanted so badly over the past several years.” He went on to describe a series of deep personal insights. The one titled “Be Yourself” captured my attention. He said, “When you are trying to be a people pleaser, and stray from your own authentic values, you are only doing so to try to make people like you. The irony of this is, you are trying to make people like you as the person you think people like, but not the person that you really are, and this is simply a form of control. Ultimately, [by pleasing others for the sake of acceptance], you will meet manipulative people who will take advantage of this quality.” This insight is a perfect example of how fitting in becomes a barrier to real belonging and leaves us feeling empty. 

Here’s a quick exercise that will support you in discovering a greater sense of belonging in your life. Start by writing a list of relationships in which you feel like you have to bend, twist, or overreach in order to gain acceptance. Next, write a list of relationships that embody a sense of trust, vulnerability, authenticity, and heartfelt connection. Now, take a look at both lists and use this as a personal guide to determine where to focus your time and energy in order to cultivate a profound sense of belonging, contentment, and joy.  

As parents, friends, community and family members we each have an opportunity to nurture a greater sense of collective belonging by being real, imperfections and all. You can take comfort in knowing that this paves the way for others to do the same, especially our children. We must also challenge ourselves to find ways to respect each other's differences so that belonging can coexist with authenticity. It can feel scary to expose our true selves, to step out of the mold that we bend and contort to fit into. However, this is the only way to freedom and finding that which we truly long for. And when you do, a weight will lift and your heart will sing.

*My daughter did not end up cutting her hair after all.