Don't Believe Everything You Think
The other day, on my way into the grocery store, I noticed a bumper sticker on a beat-up car that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” Normally I don’t give cheesy bumper sticker revelations much notice, but I just happen to be deep into a book called Loving What Is (Byron Katie), which was challenging me to question my own thoughts, a process that is simultaneously disturbing and exciting. Hence, the profound wisdom adhered to this rustbucket literally stopped me in my tracks.
The more I’m learning to question my own thoughts, the more I’m realizing how much I make up about the world and people around me. It is widely recognized amongst neuroscientists and psychologists that “the human mind is incredibly averse to uncertainty and ambiguity; from an early age, we respond to uncertainty or lack of clarity by spontaneously generating plausible explanations” (Maria Konnikova Ph.D.). This drive for certainty, in the face of uncertainty and ambiguity, is heightened during times of stress and leads us to create hasty hypotheses, which directly affect our mood and behavior.
While filling in ambiguity with “plausible explanations” helps us create a sense of cohesiveness and order in daily life, it can also generate a lot of stress and unnecessary suffering. The latter is what I’m intent on exploring with you here. Let’s start by getting one thing straight- we cannot ever be 100% sure about…
What other people are thinking
How other people are feeling
What the future holds
Take a moment now to think about something that is creating stress in your life. What thoughts are you having about what other people are feeling and thinking? What assumptions are you making about what the future holds? Write down your answers. Notice how much stress these thoughts create. Is your heart rate going up? Are you feeling tension in your neck, shoulders, or jaw? Now, go through each of these thoughts/assumptions, one by one, and ask yourself, “Can I be 100% sure this is true?” Write a simple Y for “yes” and N for “no.” For thoughts about what other people are feeling or thinking or what the future holds, the answer will, invariably, be “no.” Notice how simply debunking the thought takes the punch out of it and lowers the intensity of your emotions.
The fact is, “your brain is an incredible virtual-reality machine. You can simulate all kinds of imagined scenarios and predictions. And you can do it all so vividly” (neuroscientist, Amishi Jha). As we create these vivid scenarios in our minds, we are essentially filling in the gaps of ambiguity by visualizing imagined stories. Visualization is a powerful tool used by professional athletes, chess players, surgeons, as well as highly successful people such as Tiger Woods, Jim Carrey, and Oprah to improve performance, lower stress, and manifest success (Psychology Today, Forbes). Unfortunately, we can just as easily use the power of visualization to our own demise.
Here are a few examples:
Someone cuts you off in traffic. You might start thinking, “This guy is a reckless jerk who doesn’t care about anyone else, and one day he is probably going to run over a child.” Just like that, you’ve gone from being cut off to fuming about an imaginary child being run over and your stress levels are responding accordingly. It is also possible, he simply didn’t see you.
Your 16-year-old has a C in one of his classes and he has, yet again, forgotten to turn in an important assignment. You might start having thoughts like, “He doesn’t care. He doesn’t even try. How will he ever hold down a job or relationship with such a blatant lack of follow-through?” And just like that, one missing assignment has turned into a vivid picture of your son working for minimum wage and living alone at age 40. Little did you know, he aced a test in that same class later that day.
Your friend did not invite you to her party. You might think, “She probably didn’t invite me because she’s mad at me for not calling her on her birthday. I really blew it. This friendship is doomed. She's probably going to turn our other friends against me too.” And just like that, you’ve gone from not receiving an invite to the heartbreak of losing all of your friends. Meanwhile, she simply got distracted by her child’s bloody knee right as she was about to add your name to the email.
Looking back at each of these examples, you can see that only the very first sentence contains objective facts. Every other part of the story is fabricated by assumptions about what another person is feeling or thinking and what the future holds. Each time we do this, our body responds as if the made-up story were true (the power of visualization), triggering the fight or flight response and flooding our system with stress hormones cortisol and epinephrine. So much of our stress and suffering is self-created by these false assumptions and manufactured stories. It is destructive to ourselves and our relationships and gets in the way of experiencing the peace and happiness we desire in life.
Most of us have never thought to challenge our own thoughts, so at first, it can feel strange and unsettling. However, as you continue this practice of noticing when you’re feeling stressed, identifying each thought that is fueling your stress, and then asking yourself, “Can I be 100% sure this is true?” you will be able to weed out facts from stories. In doing so, you will experience a noticeable positive shift and discover a greater sense of calm, freedom, and control.
Share with me what you discover by challenging your own thoughts and stories!