Will You Be There In My Joy?

If you were to create a short list of your closest relationships, you’d probably first consider who would be there for you if something bad were to happen. This is undoubtedly important, however equally essential is knowing who will be there for you if something great were to happen. Who can you count on to celebrate your wins and be with you in your moments of joy? 

It turns out, how we show up in others’ joy is a significant factor in determining the strength of the relationship. According to a study by Shelly Gable, there are four ways in which we respond to others’ joy, but only one builds trust, strengthens the relationship, and makes both people happier (the other three erode trust, weaken the relationship, and leave both people less happy). She identifies the four response styles as passive/destructive, passive/constructive, active/destructive, and active/constructive. For this post, I have renamed each of the response styles to make them easier to remember.

Let’s imagine you just found out you got a big client and you are super excited to tell your friend about it. When you do, any number of things can happen. We’ll play out this scenario with each of the four response styles.

Disengaged

They reply, “That’s great,” in a flat tone, barely glancing up from their phone. From there, the conversation comes to a quick dead end, the joy is lost and likely replaced with irritation. As bad as this sounds, we’ve all done it and we can justify our lackluster response with the fact that we’re often busy, pulled in multiple directions, or tired. However, this type of response communicates disconnection and disinterest in the other person and their joy. 

Spotlight Stealer

They reply, “Wow, that’s great! Oh, that reminds me, I’ve been meaning to tell you about the awesome thing that happened to me today. You wouldn’t believe it….” In a flash, the spotlight has moved to them, and your joy is left behind in the dust. Again, it’s easy to see how this can happen. Your good news reminds them of their good news, they get caught up in the excitement and before they know it they’re talking about themselves. Unfortunately, in doing so they’ve completely stepped over your joy and stolen the spotlight.

Pitfall Pointer

They reply, “That’s really great, but do you think you’re ready for a client this big? Do you have time to take this on? Are you sure this is a smart move?” What was a joyful moment is now fraught with worry, scepticism, and doubt. While this response can come from a place of genuine concern and desire to protect the other person, pointing out all of the potential pitfalls quickly takes the wind right out of your “joy sail.” They think they’re being helpful, but the reality is they’re just ruining the moment. Alternatively, Pitfall Pointers may express negativity in response to your success or happiness due to insecurities about their own perceived shortcomings.

Joy Booster

They reply, “Wow, that’s so exciting! When do you start? I’m so happy for you! Tell me more.” As you might have guessed, this is the response that works best. When being a “joy booster,” we make eye contact, are completely engaged, and we match the energy and body language of the other person. We express joy for their joy, which creates an amplified JOY effect. This is the only response style that builds trust, strengthens the relationship, and makes both people happier.

Now, let’s apply this learning to your life and explore how you show up in others’ joy. Write a list of the key people in your life and the corresponding response style(s) you tend to use with each person. Chances are, you use different styles with different people. Next, write your answers to the following questions and prompts: What do you think prevents you from being a “joy booster” more often? Choose one person with whom you’d like to change your response style. What is important about making this change? How will you become a “joy booster” with this person? Last, write a simple, clear commitment statement for yourself. For example, “I am committed to being a joy booster with my sister because this relationship is important to me and I want to strengthen it. I will put worry aside in order to be present and amplify her joy.” Send me your commitment statement!