A Good Enough Mom

Being a parent is the most complex and challenging thing I have ever experienced. There are moments when I feel like I am totally nailing it and other times when I feel like I’m flailing, if not failing. I cannot think of any other relationship in which there is greater self-esteem and self-worth tied to another’s state of being. When our children get slammed by life, we get slammed. We not only experience their pain and glory like no other human we know, we feel a sense of responsibility for it.

When my daughters (now 12 and 17) were little, I controlled where they were, what they ate, and who they saw. I did my best to teach them kindness, safety, and to give them tools to successfully navigate life. I shaped and molded them as if they were my own little clay creations. Sure, there were challenging times, but it all seemed to exist in a bubble. Mostly, I felt like a pretty great mom.

However, when my oldest daughter entered her teen years, the rug was pulled out from under me. Suddenly this young, inexperienced girl was flying her own plane and I was demoted to co-pilot. I could no longer steer her away from danger as I once did. It was a rough and scary transition for both of us, as she tested the limits to the point of collision at times. When things got messy, I seriously questioned whether I was a “good mom” or “doing it right.”

Shifting from the parent I was to the parent I needed to become was not natural or easy. I am good at taking control, but letting go and stepping back were things I still needed to learn. I could have leaned on my friends more for support, but it felt too vulnerable to expose myself in that way and I wasn’t sure if they’d have answers. Instead, I sought learning and personal growth through two organizations, Positive Discipline and Positive Intelligence. Both helped me immensely and taught me about loosening my grip on trying to control the uncontrollable, that a good parent does not and cannot control the world surrounding their children. I am still working on this. 

Today, as I watch my daughters grow into unique individuals, I am recognizing the limits of my influence even more. My girls are so remarkably different from each other that I can’t possibly take credit for both of their successes or failures at the same time. They each came into this world with a pre-drawn inner map, extraordinary in their own ways and somewhat impervious to how perfectly or imperfectly I parent them.

I’m beginning to view parenthood through a new lens. I’m seeing how ridiculous it is to take ownership of my children’s success and that it is equally nonsensical to view their failures as my own. The problem with basing my self-worth on how well my children are doing is two fold. First, I have very little control over their wins and losses, victories and slumps. Second, if I am so caught up in self-doubt when my kids are struggling, it compromises my ability to be there for them.

For better and worse, they are going to be influenced by peers, teachers, society, circumstances, and more. I will have to watch my girls stumble, fail, and get their hearts broken. And while I cannot prevent them from getting hurt, I can be there to comfort them and bandage their wounds. 

I will always have a heightened sensitivity for my daughters’ ups and downs, but I am gradually learning to let go of owning it. I’m shifting my goal from being a great mom to being a good enough mom– this feels like it gives me some breathing room to be imperfect. The fact is, all I can really do is love and support them wholeheartedly, parent them well, impart wisdom, and offer opportunities. With greater clarity regarding my role in their lives, I notice that I am more grounded, present, and at peace. In other words, I am a better parent.