Freedom To Fail

As children, failing is a normal part of life. We misuse words, get math problems wrong, our experiments go awry, we fall down and scrape our knees, and with each failure we learn. Then we enter adolescence, a time when we are naturally inclined to seek out novelty and take risks. While this increased risk taking can be unnerving to parents, “the biology of decreased fear, greater interest in novelty, and impulsivity serve a purpose,” (Daniel Siegel, M.D., Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain). Siegel claims that our ability to adapt as a species actually depends on the “courage and [the] sometimes outrageous but creative efforts” of the adolescent mind. He adds, “In fact, it could be said that the only thing more dangerous than taking risks, is the risk in not taking risks.” In other words, if we are to grow, evolve, adapt, innovate, and thrive as both individuals and as a species, we must be courageous, take some risks, and allow ourselves the freedom to fail.

But as we grow into adults, most of us acquire an aversion to failing. To be honest, I kind of hate failing. I can be pretty hard on myself when I fail– I’ve beaten myself up for weeks, months, or even years over personal failures. However, each time after I emerged from the wallowing, I discovered a greater sense of wisdom and clarity than before. While our rational mind understands that failing is an essential part of learning and growing, how can we embrace it more and avoid getting stuck in the negative feelings that can follow? I believe that our ability to do so is a matter of perspective– how we view failure.

One perspective I love, offered by Burnett and Evans in their book Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life, is simply: “Failure is the raw material of success.” This perspective makes sense to me and is so succinct that one could even make it a mantra. Burnett and Evans back this perspective with three solid strategies for implementation. Their first strategy is, “"Log Your Failures: Just write down when you messed up. If you want to build the habit of converting failures to growth, then we suggest you do this once or twice a month until you've established a new way of thinking.” Second, "Categorize Your Failures: It's useful to categorize failures into three types (screwups, weaknesses, or growth opportunities) so you can more easily identify where the growth potential lies.” The third strategy is, "Identify Growth Insights: Do any of the growth opportunity failures offer an invitation for a real improvement? What is there to learn here? What went wrong (the critical failure factor)? What could be done differently next time (the critical success factor)? Look for an insight to capture that could change things next time. Jot it down and put it to work. That's it — a simple reframe."

We can take this a step further by considering what would be possible if we went so far as to celebrate failure. According to Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx and youngest self-made woman billionaire in the world, the secret to her success is a childhood ritual in which her father asked, “"What did you fail at this week?" And when she told him, do you know what his reaction was? He high-fived her. Think about that for a minute: Every week growing up, her father made her reflect on something she'd failed at, then showed her that not only was she still loved after failing, but she was celebrated for it.” In Blakely’s words, “My dad taught me that failing simply just leads you to the next great thing.” Inc. Magazine

In order to become more failure-resilient, we must cultivate self-compassion, or empathy for self. According to Susan David, PhD, author of  Emotional Agility, “Self-compassion gives us the freedom to redefine ourselves, as well as the all important freedom to fail, which contains within it the freedom to take risks that allow us to be truly creative.” That is, fear of failure and lack of self-compassion can staunch our willingness to try new things, unleash the creative mind, and innovate. If we remain stuck in fear and self-judgement, cemented in the familiar things we are already good at, we are destined to live a small, less fulfilling life. However, if we embrace self-compassion and allow ourselves the freedom to fail, there is no limit to what we can do.

A few personal examples where I’ve had to embrace the freedom to fail include, becoming a wellness coach, parenting, and learning to play chess. I recently wrote about becoming a coach in my post titled You Were Born To Do This and about parenting in The Ugly Inner Judge. So, that leaves us with a lighter story about playing chess. Four months ago, after finishing the Netflix series The Queen’s Gambit, I decided that I wanted to learn how to play chess. I wasn’t alone…according to Bloomberg, chess sales for November and December were up by over 1,000% from the previous year. I purchased a board to play with my family and downloaded a chess app. Nearly 100 games later, 90% of which were losses, I was approaching my failure threshold. Just as I was considering quitting, I received a few helpful tips from a friend. I started seeing the board in new ways, moving more strategically and actually winning! I still lose more than I win, but each of those failures are indeed the raw material of success.

All of this is to say, I encourage you to allow yourself the freedom to fail and to even celebrate failure. In doing so we free ourselves from the shackles of fear and the energy-drain of wallowing. When we make failure our friend, we unlock the gate to living a big, fulfilling life.